The Kiwi couple were preparing to have their baby by surrogacy when a woman who agreed to carry for them told them she had a miscarriage.Photo / Getty Images
They were overjoyed when Jane * and her husband John * heard the news that their surrogate mother was pregnant last September. For Jane, who had problems with her first pregnancy with her daughter Jenny *, that meant another chance for motherhood.
When the couple stocked up on diapers and infant formula and pulled out in anticipation of Jenny’s old baby clothes, their only real concern was whether the toddler felt like himself. However, in November last year, the surrogate mother was unknowingly fired while she was pregnant with her husband’s real baby for nine weeks.
Today, Jane shares her tragic story with Weekly, hoping that her story will reveal the reality of New Zealand surrogacy.
“The hardest part is that there is no way to fix the situation or find peace,” says Jane. “As a woman, I felt completely disappointed with my marriage and daughter and couldn’t carry another baby. It was a dream when I was offered a surrogacy.”
Jane was a teenager when she underwent the first surgery for many surgeries with severe endometriosis. She was told she had no children and was open about this when she met John at The Tinder.
“He thought it was because I was a career woman,” she says. “When I told him it was my health, he didn’t care and said he wanted to be with the right person without children rather than the wrong person with children.”
John assured Jane that she would have done her best, at least if she tried to give birth naturally. “That’s the way we keep looking at things today,” she says. “When John recently completely heartbroken me, he kept telling me at least that we tried.”
The couple got married just six months after they met, and about two years later, they were delighted to learn that they were pregnant with Jenny.
“I was very ill early on, but it was amazing,” says Jane, who was suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum, which causes extreme nausea. “It was terrible. I vomited day and night. I was suffering so much that I had to walk on my crutches because my pelvis started to shift. By the third semester, I was taking antidepressants and traveling. I was using a wheelchair when I went to the hospital. “
Jane gave birth to their dear girl after being triggered in the 38th week. “The midwife called it a” violent and traumatic childbirth “because I continued to vomit during labor. “
It was a love at first sight for new parents. Eventually, they discussed the possibility of giving her a sibling, but in early 2019, Jane’s gynecologist said she was unlikely to have another baby, and if so, nine months. I have confirmed that it may lead to hospitalization.
“I was sitting with a friend who was dealing with a big life event right after I received the letter, and she said her brother was through her,” Jane said. I will. “I told her I just knew I couldn’t carry it again and how I wanted two kids.”
Jane’s friend piped with a once-in-a-lifetime offer. “Suddenly she said,’When I got pregnant, I didn’t really feel it, so I’ll make a good surrogate,” Jane recalls. “She talked to her husband and said she would return to me.” Shortly thereafter, they began the process of surrogacy.
In New Zealand, agents are made through “altruistic arrangements” as opposed to legal contracts. In other words, you can do it from goodwill or selflessness, but you can’t pay.
“The couple said that if anyone deserved this, it was John and I, so they were willing to do it,” says Jane. “I was completely overwhelmed by someone doing so for us. The hardest part of surrogacy is finding someone to get pregnant, and the one I first opened offered! “
In June 2019, Jane and her surrogate mother spoke to the clinic.
“We provided childbirth counseling as singles, couples and groups, some of which were surveys about dismissals and surrogate mothers regarding which babies they consider,” says Jane. “Everything was clear. We hired separate lawyers, the report was sent to the Ethics Commission, and after seeing our case, they came back and did not ask any questions. It felt very confident to me. “
With surrogacy officially approved by the Assisted Reproductive Technology Ethics Commission, the couple prepared for an embryo transfer. They were also approved by the Orangatamariki social worker, who determined that the best interests of the child were in their hearts.
“We were all excited and John and I said they gave the couple a lot of choices but they felt like they were doing the right thing,” said the surrogate mother in September 2020. Says Jane, who was ecstatic to know that she was pregnant.
However, five weeks after her pregnancy, the woman left a heartbreaking voice message telling Jane and John that she had a miscarriage.
“That was the point where I realized I was fully invested-I couldn’t breathe,” says Jane. “When the fertility clinic asked for blood to confirm that the baby had died, it showed that she was still pregnant, which was pretty amazing. We still have a baby. Was there! “
At the 9th week of pregnancy, the couple’s time at the fertility clinic was over and they were handed over to an obstetrician. “I thought it was too early,” says Jane.
“Now, if we had helped for a longer time, I would be in a better place today.”
Behind the scenes, Jane’s surrogate mother suffered from severe prenatal depression, increasing the distance between the two women. Once again, they received a call saying that their surrogate mother had another miscarriage.
“We were absolutely shocked when her husband called John and said he was bleeding,” says Jane. “I felt like my world had collapsed again, but that didn’t make any sense. I asked if they shed blood, and they blocked us.”
Jane says neither the fertility clinic nor the doctor could answer her for three weeks. She didn’t know if her baby was alive. Eventually, the surrogate mother’s husband arrived at the doorstep of Jane and John with a note from his wife’s doctor.
“I just lost my baby in mid-November,” says Jane. “John held his hand and stood there and asked if it was over because things went wrong. He said it was definitely a miscarriage.”
But when she asked if he was “fully honest,” he admitted that they had ended the baby. “His wife went to her doctor and blocked all the channels we set up,” says Jane. “I was shocked.”
When the weekly approached the surrogate mother to share their side of the story, they asked to remain anonymous. The surrogate mother’s husband said, “We signed an agreement with the desire to help from the bottom of our hearts. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned and we became very ill with prenatal depression. It’s more complicated than it appears. Jane John doesn’t really know the whole situation. “
Today, the couple are no longer in contact and Jane still does not know why their baby was fired. “Looking back, I started going downhill while preparing for the embryo transfer, but John and I didn’t see it,” she says. “The surrogate didn’t like the process at the fertility clinic and one of the counselor options we had. I think she felt disappointed.”
Jane and John haven’t given up hope of joining the family and still have three embryos on hold, but Jane could do more before the end to end the story differently. I believe it should be.
“When I first met a lawyer or counselor, there was a lot of focus when the baby came, like the adoption papers I got,” she says. “But what about all the women who don’t finish it with their baby? What’s the point of doing a survey first and counseling when all the scenarios don’t work? No one to confirm that. I’m not there. “
Jane believes she should have been informed about the dismissal before it took place.
“It was our biological baby and Jenny’s biological brother. I was able to explain how it would affect the rest of our lives. Everyone away from it, it Despite the pain, I talk about it. I talk about it. I never thought that someone would have to worry about ending our baby. Never exceeded my heart. “
Now, when she and John are trying to heal from their loss, Jane says she’s focused on cherishing what she has. “I still have a beautiful husband and a sweet and compassionate daughter. I’m also trying to remind myself that the most important thing is what we’ve tried.”
Surrogacy in New Zealand
Under New Zealand law, there is no legal protection for parents who give birth to a baby by surrogacy or the surrogacy themselves. Surrogate mothers are considered legal parents, and biological parents must adopt their child after birth in order to legalize the relationship. This means that under New Zealand law, surrogate mothers can terminate or maintain their babies as desired. It also means that biological parents can change their minds and abandon their surrogate mother with their baby.
Given that neither party is protected, some legal experts say that our law is “not fit for purpose.” Labor’s Tamati Coffey, along with partner Tim Smith, had a son, Tamati Nekai, in 2019 as a surrogate childbirth. Currently, there are legislative legislation calling for modern legislation for modern families.Includes birth certificate reforms and provides a way
Implement surrogacy arrangements and create a register of potential surrogacy.
Where to get help:
If you’re worried about your or someone else’s mental health, the best place to get help is with your GP or your local mental health provider. However, if you or someone else is at risk, or someone else is at risk, call 111.
If you need to talk to someone, the following free helpline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
: 0800 111 757
: 0800 543 354
Need to talk?
Phone or text message 1737
: 0800 726 666
: 0800 376633 or text 234
There are many places to get support. In other cases,
Kiwi Mama’s Broken Heart After Surrogate Mother Finishes Pregnancy: “I was Shocked”
SourceKiwi Mama’s Broken Heart After Surrogate Mother Finishes Pregnancy: “I was Shocked”